I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
You Might Also Like
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
🙀🙀🙀😹
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.