FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
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dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
i wish we could shoplift online
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno