*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
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Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.