It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
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My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
According to math, I’m broke
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar