Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.