I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
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It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.