If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.