*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
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[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m going to need a moment here.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.