Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
You Might Also Like
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Breaking news:
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.