Black Friday “markdowns” like
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Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.