Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Imma just leave this here…………
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope