Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
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I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.