When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
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If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I am a gravy boat captain
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”