Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
You Might Also Like
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
How software testing works
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?