As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
You Might Also Like
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I’m a self-made hundredaire
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
#ParentingFacts
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.