Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
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Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.