Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
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I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I can’t stop laughing at this
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight