My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
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Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time