She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
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I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Every time.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware