the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
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“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Simple enough.
wtf is a larm clock?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.