I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
You Might Also Like
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits