“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks