motivation
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Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.