[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
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just having fun
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
#StillHurts
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was