INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
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why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?