Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
You Might Also Like
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar