There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
The pasta is now
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff