AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
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He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Time heals everything 🙂
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA