ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
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genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
This is hilarious….
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band