Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?