i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart