I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
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Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.