ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Shower sex be like:
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.