“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
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I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…