The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
You Might Also Like
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
@ candidates for local office
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.