Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
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I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over