ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
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Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory