16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
You Might Also Like
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.