[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
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Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir