Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
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Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
It’s the weekend y’all
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
What the hell is going on?
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.