PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Strange
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.