GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
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Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
The best plant holders?