Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
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CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Happy thanksgiving!
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now