Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’