There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
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Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
new shirt idea
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.