can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
sigh
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.