America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
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Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Welcome to the stomach
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car