Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
respect
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.