STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
You Might Also Like
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda