I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming